Cross My Heart and Hope to Write

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Saturday, November 10, 2012

After Sandy: Chawdron

I live on the East Coast. As such, we have experienced a lot of destruction and uncertainty lately. The New York area I think is fairly well known for its ego and hubris. We're always bustling around, rarely thinking of our fellow man. "Frankenstorm" Sandy (and the nor'easter that followed it) has been a humbling experience, returning people to the things that truly matter and making our collective humanity far more real. Though tragic, I believe life sends us harsh messages to remind us of the things that transcend the material and revamp our awareness of the deeper things in life.


The destruction brought by Sandy has compelled some in my community of poets to take action. The Bards Initiative, a local poetry organization on Long Island, has banded together to create "Songs of Sandy (SOS)," a collection of poetry and reflections on the events of the storm, and other hurricane related subject matter. The anthology will be included in a disaster relief bundle, consisting of SOS, two ebooks, four poetry collections, an indie album, and recordings, videos, and performances from poets (myself included) and artists from around New York and abroad. 100% of the proceeds from the selling of this bundle will go toward disaster relief efforts in the wake of Sandy. For more information, and to learn when the bundle will become available, check out the official Songs of Sandy website. Interested in contributing? Submit your recordings, poems, reflections, videos, and/or performances at songsofsandy@gmail.com, but act fast! The deadline is November 13th (this Tuesday). 


One cannot help but think of the worst as we look at images of the damage on our laptops, TV screens, and phone (if we even have access to those things). Our own destruction looms in the back of our minds and is brought to the fore in gazing at such vivid imagery. Our things are temporary; the memories they carry are temporary. We are temporary. Hold close to the preciousness of this life, and don't let it be flooded beneath the weight of petty things. 


Chawdron

When the entire world has fallen away
You’ll find me steeped in rust,
Attempting to keep boredom at bay
By sifting through the dust.
Squalor to riches,
Night to day,
Death, the common lust;
Love asunder,
Knowledge astray,
And only a sliver of trust
Remained.
Blood soaked into the smattered loam,
Like decadent red velvet cake,
Arsenic had seized the foam
Of the sea, turned to bile, and ached.
Mud,
My tux,
A ghoulish husk,
Of what once claimed this dank mirage,
A lasting hush,
A creeping gust
That sluggishly patrols the hodgepodge.     
I toil to find
The remnants of mind,
And where the body lay
To rebuild Fate
From humdrum waste
And the world’s newfound decay.
I wish to confine 
What’s left of Time
To reclaim that soiled day.

Saturday, October 27, 2012

The Importance of Knowing Who You Are: Stigmata

Who are you? 
Who are you really
A better question to ask yourself is, "Who am I?


After all, we are not automatically obliged to divulge to others who we truly are, but I think it is necessary for each of us to know who we truly are for ourselves. It is one of the most important lessons to learn in life, to discover the real you for the sake of no one else but you. You can be whoever you want in public, but you should know who the real you is - honestly, completely, and confidently - and to not be ashamed of it.

People falsely believe the self is stagnant, unchanging, one, and complete. But I think it is a sign of health to have a dynamic, flexible, fluid self, changing to each of life's silly turmoils. We should actively decide on and commit to core essentials of ethical and moral absolutes that we should attempt to abide by, to establish a foundation, unshakable and secure, but flexible, for no one else but the self. Having gelatinous keystones, for lack of a more poetic expression, provides a steady grounding and a sense of immunity from tragedy, from change, from other's cruelty.

To think, the only thing each of us has from the moment we are born to the moment we pass is ourselves, and if we can't learn to live with ourselves, life will be... unlivable. We must learn to accept the discoveries we make of ourselves, even the ones we didn't expect; to take what we've amassed and what we've lost, where we've been and where we're going, and to accept them as our own and use them to make the person we've always wanted to be. You have and always will have that power.  


Stigmata

Sip blood with sick knights
fighting for a crown;
a black jeweled ornament;
a crimson shroud.
I filed my teeth down with a spoon
and bathed my blood in a storm cloud;
washed out the needles,
and liquified the dreams;
found the dust I lost long ago.
It seems
as though
the weather in my heart is snow.
When you pull back the bow and release my vision:
Twain the jury,
kill the music,
and shoot down the pigeon.
It was a lake -
a dark lake -
I dipped my feet into
and let the tentacles drag down what I thought I knew.
Tore out each hair like a petal
and made a wish,
tied a noose out of the fibers
and with the stragglers I stitched
back together all the valentines,
made a sail to fly me back to a better time.
I walk the streets at night
screaming...
Singing songs the Devil taught me while I was sleeping.
As a child,
I made a crib out of ouija boards,
tied a string to my finger
and slit my wrists with a deck of cards.
Cleft tongue,
no eyes,
no speech,
just fucked up
and out of reach;
weighed down by gravity,
trapped on my knees
and short of breath,
I believe...
Bring on the machines -
the lights and sounds that protect me!
Candles in a dim room
casting shadows that I talk to.
Third person intuition
vague view
of fuzzy memories that appear true.
Building games with no winners.
Traversing a maze with no escape.
I raped my youth when I found out I was a sinner.
Surgeon of a masked future,
cutting up the past,
tape it back together
on a reel to be reviewed;
previewed;
I knew you -
recalled and bequeathed -
a toy chest for Death,
regressed into a chicken heart
snapping wishbones and cupping eyelashes
blowing flowers apart.
A skeleton clad boy;
a glass-wrapped McCoy;
a match in a windstorm of my own ploy.
It was a white day,
a black day,
a day of deceit.
It was the day I found the holes in my hands and feet!


Saturday, October 20, 2012

Uhane

The Hawaiians have a word for soul: Uhane. It also means strong spirited and is often given as a name for girls. The human heart is pretty resilient, if you think about it. It goes through a lot - falls in love, out of love; frets; skips beats - all while providing the body with its propulsion. This precious internal combustion engine of ours is like a bridge between the material and the spiritual. There's a reason why every culture, no matter how remote, revels in the symbolism of the heart. The Greeks thought it was the seat of consciousness, a notion contemporaries reserve for the mind, while the soul has stayed firmly  housed in the heart. I'm sure ancient man was aware of the heart as an organ - surgery is nothing new.


Falling in love with someone, particularly, does something to the heart. I don't think you ever really fall out of love with them. You move on, but you hold a part of them within forever. They contribute to the overall you; you are incomplete without them, as little as you would like to admit it. I kind of envision it as a graveyard, without trying to sound too macabre. Everyone we have given our heart to is buried within us, and every new love that is lost is laid to rest. The image itself got me to thinking, "If the heart really is like a graveyard... who tends to the graves?"    

Uhane

Purging the plots marked up on this heart,
Moist soil on the shovel tip, 
I brush off my overalls as I walk across the dirt 
And flush out my fangs with a toothpick.
My footprints will be washed away
Once the angel tears come flying,
But the grass will never reach far enough to overgrow these names.  
Sarcophaguses of beloved lay just below the surface, 
Tombs and relics scattered like arrows in a manmade forest. 
My feather duster serves me well
In this paradise or private hell,
My keys have kissed each lock quite well 
And I'm waiting for bones to break me.  
Built a castle of skulls 
To sit on a throne of cartilage, 
Humming oldie tunes 
And tending to my lineage. 
Prune the arteries, 
Leech the valves with these pipe cleaners; 
My knapsack is overflowing
With the artifacts that make me keener.  
Oh, what a meandering 
Atop this sullen, sunken wreck,    
Suspended in antiquity 
With no tongue or lips to peck.  
Oh, wouldn't it be grand
To band or bouquet, 
Like a barrel of whisky 
Or a bundle of Mrs. Sam McGredy 
Just one 
Of those that have come and gone? 
A smoldering ambition.
This is the intermission,
The space between the spinal chord
And the beat you wish to listen.
Listless melodies 
Pepper scattered wreaths, 
Slight of hand, erroneous 
Bathing beneath their sheaths.  
You will come to find me napping 
With my hat tucked way down low
Over my drooping brow, 
Cradled on the bridge of my nose. 
A hammock to catch the wind at dusk, 
A windmill to blow away the dust, 
A corner for the slime and rust 
To collect until they're beauteous. 
Crouching on a willow stump, 
My rake not far from reach,    
Hands folded over, twice; 
These limestones still left to bleach.   
My eyes may be closed,
But the work is never done
Surviving and utilizing 
All the strength without the sun.
Chancre carousel cadaver, 
The maliciousness of the endeavor. 
Surgical serenity, 
Beside a wilted flower.
Plant my shovel in the grass
Propel my hovel, full and fast, 
The space is perpetual and vast 
And there is much still left here to vacate. 

Sunday, October 14, 2012

Glitter And Anthrax

Reality doesn't run on reason. The cosmos doesn't know logic - logic is manmade. Fate, irony, destiny, luck, and chance are all composed of randomness. No matter the probability with which we may determine the exact location and velocity of a particle, it is never without an air of chance. With so many independent systems with their own "order" working in tandem throughout the universe (and beyond), when they're multiplied together and taken as a whole, it all just seems like one big rigmarole with no coherence whatsoever. Yet, the interplay seems undeniable. The result, strangely legible.
The iconic question: Why do bad things happen to good people? is not easy to answer for many reasons. For one, what exactly are "bad things"? How can we be certain our notions of just and right are... just and right? Once we bring into the picture the synthetic ideals of mankind - our predisposed perceptions of what should and shouldn't be - the overarching sovereignty of the cosmos (God, if one feels so inclined,) is nullified and ungraspable. No matter how abstract or cryptic our assertions may seem or how much logic tells us things are true or valid, in reality everything in no holds barred. 

I think, for that reason, all art and expression is without restraint. 
For the universe is the grandest of all works and all works have their place within it.      

Glitter And Anthrax

Choke hold!
Fork in the road to eat my words again

(Glitter and anthrax)
Breaking down
Breaking me in (inside out)
Breaking this poisoned disposal of tissue
The reaping is feeding a purging the need
Cutting and mincing, transversal disjunction
(Anthropomorphic)

Oh, humble creatures of the night
Embrace this corpse
And make me worth fighting for
Twisting and turning
Been gobbed up inside too long
Oblong
Seeping through the cracks
The egg you cage me in is starting to cave in
And I find it hard to question why
Hard to pass the time

(Antifreeze and ice cream)
Breaking down
Breaking me in (inside out) 
Breaking this spiked incomprehensible migraine 
This tumbling illusion has grown too weak 
The floodgates are meek, imprisoning Liberty's eyes 
(Legerdemain) 

Zephyr 
Humor me a while 
Capture me a gust 
And help me to turn dust from dust 
I'm finding more than milestones 
Corner stones have been laid to waste 
I'm seeing more than fireflies tonight 
The stars are in a heap 
And it's difficult to separate the stardust 
From mine 

Flapjack
Upturn the stones I've skipped away from here 
I'm catching breaths
But never finding the words you need to hear 
Euthanized
It's kind of odd to dry my bones beside this riverbed 
Where we used to spend our time and dine in summer time at picnics 
Childhood hideaways decay while I swim my way through the milky-way
Chewing off the memories of destiny I thought I saved  

No shoebox was ever able to hold all the lies you knew 
And however many trinkets survive I doubt I'll ever know the truth 

(Cyanide and sprinkles)
Breaking down
Breaking me in (inside out) 
Breaking the portioned secrets coveted  
Wrapped in plaid and decadence 
Margarine and petroleum condense transitions of the path 
Bugaboo, bucolic crave seems locked behind a crimson door 

(Soft music plays)

Dormite
Let me treat you to a cryptex:
There's a scroll I tossed away when I withdrew my Solomon ways
Frankincense was sent astray when three wise men came to save the day
But each were blind and bleeding on the inside
Carnal knowledge was to blame
You see, the things we've come to do, and set like clockwork, have passed the tide
Daylight savings came and spent, and still we couldn't catch the ride
The rise and fall, the come and gone, the now and then are nothing new
Because everything that's happened once, we still have left to do

Sunday, October 7, 2012

My Hands and The Hearts Series

 Hands really fascinate me. In fact, they have inspired a poem series. Of all the gifts of nature, of all the wonders of the body, I find our hands to be the most incredible. No mechanical device or prosthetic has ever been able to achieve the elegance and fluidity of our hands. They really are miracles. The thumb alone is an incredible invention of evolution. The separation of one bone into two and suddenly the entire course of the mammalian species is forever altered. We are here because of our hands: Hands built the world around us, built our society, built our humanity. Don't take them for granted; appreciate them! Examine them, cherish them, and respect them for their grandeur.    

My Hands 
     Arranged loosely and unclenched on the desktop in front of me, as if cradling sand, my sullied hands, curled up fragilely in an elderly claw, reveal nails that have been bitten down far too low. These sweaty palms, turned upward nakedly to my tired eyes, glisten in the lamp-light with unease. I observe the gorges and valleys that crisscross them like dried and withered riverbeds, the tips of my fingers red and tingling, cuticles gray as if stained with chalk. They are bent in heavy angles, stiff and unresponsive.
     Turning them over, I find the other side bored with tunnels, blue veins twitching under the pink skin, the tendons tightening and snapping. My crimson knuckles turn white when I squeeze them into fists and listen as the bones within ground together. I look closely at the blotches and cicatrices that mark them, the brown discoloration on my little finger from where my tissue had mutated into beauty mark. The scars twinkle as I turned my digits in the light.
I wonder what my paws will look like in twenty years or so, overgrown with advancing hair and worn, callused, resembling a log of cheese. How many lacerations would they sustain, and how many blemishes will they gain?
     Sliding the juice drenched pad across the lacquered wood of the desk, recalling the feel of it, I try to reminisce about the many things I have touched in my young life, the many things I will have touched, and try to vindicate them. I bring the tender tips up to my cracking lips and taste their saltiness, wafting the scent of a long-forgotten lover. 
     With age, like wine, they will grow wiser, and neither arthritis nor amputation could claim the experiences for their own. These two dissimilar tools that God has so graciously bequeathed upon me, that I have used so thoughtfully to shape my being, move like spiders, monotone, across the surface. However shaky and unsteady, bearing witness to them conjures the life I have commanded, and I am not disappointed or overwhelmed, content and rather blissful, remembering the warmth of the many cheeks I have caressed. 

     But what story is written on yours? Do they reflect what you expect? Or are they sickly and covetous, cradling anger instead of pride; grimy, dry, and cold? Don't overlook how they have shaped you and the power they possess. The healing and Herculean clout, bestowed with such simple innovation, such dexterity and compassion. Melodically and mechanically inclined, able and strangely natural, vaiglorious synthetics of some alien building blocks. 
     Whatever map or recipe those faceless eyes read each time a new life is conceived, it is always revised, but places in the hands the will to change completed delicacy. We each have strength in numbers - ten - so keep them clean, and remember there is always time to finish what you started.        

I've included some new photos from The Hearts Series, photographs documenting hearts found in everyday places.
You can see the complete collection of them by going to the Facebook page. Feel free to Like it while you're there! Enjoy! 

Saturday, September 29, 2012

When We're Born We Forget And When We Die We Remember

A few years ago, on Christmas Eve, my family engaged a discussion on the nature of the afterlife. My uncle memorably suggested, "I believe, when we're born we forget... and when we die, we remember." Though perhaps not an entirely unique proposition, the nature of what it means to be alive (or even Being itself) and what it means to cease existence has been the pensive essay of nearly every great mind and man alike.


I have always been struck by the strange kinship between things in this world. Everything - from the tiniest cell to the tallest mountain - seems to possess a token of being traceable to me. As if we equally share in this existence. Indeed, it seems undeniably so. In relation to our observation, the web of the spider appears quaint against the anatomy of the bicycle, with little explanation as to why.


But from what do we come and whereto do we go? We are each constructed from atoms concocted in the hearts of nubile stars that emerged millions of years after the Big Bang, or so the accepted theory goes. We are, therefore, recycled. In this regard, ourselves, the web, and the bicycle are equals. And what becomes of the us once the atoms fall away, to become other things all together? May the memories of a stone or an insect somehow find their way, however subtly, into our minds? Do the emotions of a long-since moldered tree contribute to your overall disposition? How many lives do you suppose exist inside you?


Perhaps, when everything is said and done, we each revert to a primordial spiritual gumbo from which all that is has its emergence. Not in a physical sense, but a transcendent one, in which all that may be comprehended resides - all truths, all knowledge, all understanding. Perhaps that is what it truly means to remember.      

When We're Born We Forget And When We Die We Remember 

Curious
This here flesh
This touch I've here received
Why do I feel as though I've awoken
From an endless sleep?
The world is filled with something dull
A light
Not quite as bright
My eyes are having trouble adjusting
To these curious sights  
Deja vu
Is that you I'm feeling?
New faces I've never seen
Yet I could have sworn I passed you
In an endless dream

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Sunday, September 23, 2012

Abstract Surrealism

Art is really quite strange when you think about it. We go to places to look at synthetic pictures created with color to gain a broader understanding of ourselves and the world. The question, "Why do you enjoy art?" is not very easy to answer. Why? Perhaps it transcends our understanding and touches a part of us even we can readily access. Heidegger thought that all art was really poetry because it spoke to us. Perhaps in a language no one understands.

Aesthetic of the Unbounded

There is an art to everything. People who are the most skilled in their craft - from carpentry to fishing, deli clerks to plumbers, taxi drivers to pilots - have mastered a technique that ensures their dominance of the discipline. To a certain extent, I think it requires constant pushing: Pushing yourself to explore more, to try new things, and to better yourself. The creation of a piece of art is as much a development of the piece as the artist. There is a journey involved, communication, and deciphering of the message contained within. The art must speak to us, its creator and its audience, and ironically does not speak to everyone the same.

Some love a piece of art for reasons they cannot explain. One person understands for one reason, another for another. No matter what is on the canvas, in the sculpture, in the notes, on the walls and ramparts, or in the performance, it is blank and meaningless without someone to observe it. Yet, what is it precisely if no one can agree on what they see?

Abstract Surrealism

The sooty black walls matched the ceiling and the floor such that they appeared to meld into one another. Indeed, even the chair he sat upon was the same sooty black, sutured to the floor immovably as if it had grown straight out of it. The man seated upon it wore a pair of itchy pajamas that harmonized in texture and tinge the stygian decor. His bare feet sat upon the floor in somber quietude as he reached up with his age laden hand to scratch his lengthy beard. His graying hair had knotted into a vast dreadlock after such an expansive time spent without cleansing. His eyelids seemed disobliging to blink as his crystalline pupils dilated, the sclera stretched into focus, his gaze wild and unwavering. He perpetually cried to keep his eyes lubricated, his tears absorbed within his gnarled, straggly whiskers. He steadfastly replaced his hand atop the other on his lap, both folded over in polite endurance. His knees were clasped together, his back hunched as he rested his elbows on his thighs, pondering the painting that hung upon the wall in front of him.
Held in an equally darkened frame was a picture whose vibrant colors shone through the poorly lit space. Its cascade of intoxicating blues, enrapturing reds and tumultuous yellows threw the observer’s mind into a swoon. All manner of color was present, from orange to chartreuse, azure to brown; from glaucous to pearl, and pink to rust; from gold to byzantium, and green to taupe. They were thrown together into a massive garbled image, portraying neither shape nor substance. There were no straight lines, neither were there distinct squiggles nor decipherable swirls. There were no dots or tartan; there was no sequence to it at all. No one brush stroke seemed to lead to anything, as if conducted by a lifeless hand. The paint was applied thickly and heartily, the canvas all but lost beneath. The coat itself appeared painstakingly puzzling as the paint wasn’t oil or acrylic. It wasn’t watercolor or charcoal either. It wasn’t exactly pencil or ink, or pastel, or even crayon. The image was an amalgamation of mediums, a bastard of shape and a miscarriage of pattern.
The botched adulteration seemed constructed for no particular purpose, its message or subject lost beneath its crooning, bombastic tones. Its glossy finish sat is stark contrast to the dull texture of the ramparts, roof and rug; its vivid demeanor beamed through the unquenched ambience, glowing as if constructed of dismantled pluperfect light.
The man sat meticulously analyzing the essence of the painting, the room too small for him to wander away. He searched feverishly through the exhilarating parade of shades to discover some tangible explanation for its existence. Elapsing time had claimed his youth, scarring his fleshy chrysalis with age, and in that time, he had seen many things captured in that arcane, exotic picture.
Sometimes he imagined there to be a great battle taking place with many fallen men, foils lodged in their breasts, clashing, shield to shield, as a hulking citadel reined over them in the background. Trebuchets were erected amongst them as men encrusted with armor rode upon their ochre horses. Sometimes the men wielded muskets and pistols, the air choked with the white smoke of black powder, as canons stationed on framing hills delivered their packages to the enemy below. Trundling over heaping bodies, their bayonets thrust forward in defense, the men struggled to survive as lumps of earth rained down upon their forage caps. He would see the surface of an ocean, vacant aside from a single, bobbing brig, the seamen upon the deck frozen as they attempted to secure the sails, the makings of a storm looming in the distance. 
Occasionally the drama of war was not to be found at all. Sometimes the man would see only a peaceful landscape: A snowcapped mountain mirrored in the reflective surface of a lake, the leaves of the surrounding forest stained vermillion as nubile deer sipped from the cool water; or a vast plain coated in snow, steam rising from the chimney of a lonesome log cabin as some unnamed inhabitant within lit a fire to keep warm; or maybe it was spring, teetering upon the cusp of summer, butterflies fluttering past and landing on the petals of a motley plot of flowers, competing with bees and humming birds to get a taste.
He would discover fantastical scenes as elephants balanced on upturned champagne flutes and children played hopscotch into the eye of a black hole. From classical portraits of ambiguous dignitaries whose faces metamorphosed to the bold fonts and caricatures of pop art, a specimen of every genre he had found encased within. Yet he could not decide what it was that the painting was meant to convey, what exactly it was it was designed to portray.
In gazing, he would become overwhelmed with fervent emotion: Be it utmost sorrow to inescapable happiness; anger, nostalgia, fear or contemplation. He would weep, he would laugh, he would shout, but he could never definitively divulge the meaning of the work. He had forgotten everything else but that wane task; he could not recall who he was or where it was he came from. Indeed, he could not even make the effort anymore. The trappings of his preoccupation had consumed him, forbidding him to transcend that moment, neither to consider the past nor to dread the future. All he had was that painting to wonder, his eyes transfixed upon its face, bathing and battling the bleating hues with his anxious, ceaseless stare. And there he sat, eternally pondering the painting, never overcoming its imprisonment.
Then, suddenly, his eyes were widened beyond their usual maw as he lurched forward in his chair, his bones cracking as his formerly genuflected body erected. His emaciated legs carried him toward the flourishing canvas while a smile crept up the corner of his mouth. Drawing near to the article in exuberant realization, so close his nose threatened to scratch the surface, he gasped beatifically.     

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