Cross My Heart and Hope to Write


Saturday, April 21, 2012

UPDATE: Death By Active Movement, A Place So Dark And Cold, and Self Portrait

    When I was 11-years-old, I envisioned someday having a band. The name of that band would be "Death By Active Movement" (D.B.A.M.), which some of my friends at the time pronounced "Da-Bam!" The idea was that we are continuously dying in every moment (perhaps this has something to do with my future fascination with death...). I began a project of working on songs for the first two albums of said imaginary future band, the first being called "Images Withdrawn From Blindness" and the second "A Portrait's Depiction Of Nothing". In hindsight, I realize the silliness of such aspirations, but, hey! I'm a silly guy!
    As I was oft to do in my childhood, I began to idolize the concept of D.B.A.M., eventually growing it into an entire mythos, chronicled on a now defunct webpage (which I have spent many Google romps attempting to rediscover). The webpage included a rather lengthy story - about a post-apocalyptic super-computer that powered an army of mechanical harvesters that gathered wandering herds of surviving humans and used them as fuel, while a very special little girl attempted to infiltrate and destroy the computer, thus regaining humanity (how this was at all connected to the concept of the name is beyond me) - covering the various characters, locations, and symbols (oh, those symbols of mine!) of the story. The exact details about the story are lost to me now, but I remember something about a card game (from which the symbol for this blog likely originated from), the "national color" being black or red, and the "national symbol" being an eight-ball. Man, I was a weird child!
    Though this band idea never really died out (I am currently working with some friends to make it a reality) and took on several other forms (as will likely be included here in a later post), some other things were birthed from its mythos, such as the mural I've included a few pictures of below. I apparently drew it on the wall in pencil behind my bed around the same time. I completely forgot about it until I found it behind my dresser while reorganizing my bedroom not too long ago. I've also included two "singles" from the two albums I thought up for the band, "A Place So Dark And Cold" from the first album and "Self Portrait" from the second. I hope you enjoy the lyrics. Maybe one day they actually will become singles... but I won't keep my fingers crossed.  

The mural is meant to look like a hole has been broken in the wall, revealing a little girl in a pink dress and bow standing on a ledge with her back turned to us. Her teddybear lies at her side. Scattered around her is a thorn bush, a pile of disemboweled books, and a huge block of melting ice. In the sky is a blazing eye where the sun is supposed to be.

A Place So Dark And Cold

As the inhabitants of this
Faceless existence
Wander aimlessly down darkened paths
I can't help but wonder if I'm really here
Or are these demons inside me just showing their wrath

Are they blinding my eyes from
The truth and despair
Or are they merely protecting me from

All the things that are evil
And ugly
And shameful
And all the things that have yet to come

Oh woah, oh woah, oh woah!

Why can't I deny you?
Why can't I define you?
Why can't I deceive you?
Why can't I please you?

My hunger for a place that is mine
(Place that is mine)
Is killing me slowly
It's awfully lonely
My chest it is dark and its hollow
It's getting harder to swallow
Help me!
I think I'm starting to suffer
Heading for somber
How long?
How long until the poison has
Entered my veins,
Ending my pain?

As I walk on in this
Faithless illusion
I'm forced to admit to the fact that I'm gone

My life, it is over
I'm finally sober
I cannot deny
That the demons have won

Oh woah, oh woah, oh woah!

Why can't I deny you?
Why can't I defy you?
Why can't I receive you?
Why can't I please you?


It's ending my pain (x3)
The blood in my veins
The thoughts in my brain
Leaving dark stains
They bludgeon
They maim


Self Portrait

This is my self portrait
(Painting my life and self)
I'm not worth it
(My face trapped within pastels)
I deserve this
(The words that pour from my mouth)
They're not worthy
Of virgin ears
I just let them fall out

I see these faces
Can I erase them?
I'm going to have to
Paint them all away, paint them all away!
I see my faintness
May I disgrace it?
I'm going to have to
Paint it all away!
What is the point of me?

Seeing all of my dreams drift apart
Killing all that I used to love
Wanting all of this pain to depart
I'm painting a portrait
Of my broken heart!

This is my disservice
(Hurting all that is in me)
I don't deserve it
(Blinding all that I see)
Abandoning the purpose
(This shit brings me to my knees)
I will dismiss
From this life
Please, God, save me!

I see the places
Can I replace them?
I'm going to have to
Paint them all away, paint them all away!
I see defacement
Inside the quaintness
I'm going to have to
Paint it all away!
What died inside of me?


This broken heart
(Beats inside my chest!)
This broken heart
(The pain within will infest!)
My broken heart
Screams with the sounds of all the things I've lost
Inside of me
All the things I cannot see!


My broken heart... (Fades)

I have chosen Death By Active Movement as the official title of my first book. You can order your copy by following the link above.

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